


The Sad Hat

by VeryImportantDemon



Series: Hamilton AUs [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: College AU, Gender Dysphoria, James is a good boyfriend, M/M, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 13:18:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11760705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeryImportantDemon/pseuds/VeryImportantDemon
Summary: He puts Red Bull in his coffee in the mornings. His favorite pizza topping is pineapple. He is a better horseback rider than he cared to admit. He has a soft spot for cats and secretly has two in his dorm that he's trained to use the toilet instead of a little box. He likes to not wear pants when he's alone in his dorm. He gets awful migraines, headaches so bad he can't move from his bed for hours and hours. He crams all of his hair into this impossible silver beanie whenever he's sad. James still knows these things because he's a good friend, and maybe because he's falling in love again, if he ever fell out of it.





	The Sad Hat

James doesn't regret breaking up with Thomas. He really doesn't. It was definitely the right move for both of them at the time. James wasn't quite ready to come out yet, and Thomas needed to work through some of his own issues before he could be in any good sort of relationship. So James doesn't really regret it. And it isn't like he doesn't see Thomas anymore. Sure, they've drifted apart. They aren't dating anymore. But they still see each other more than they should. Thomas is friends with Aaron who is friends with Alexander, and James is friends with both Aaron and Eliza, who are both friends with Alexander. And then there's Thomas' estranged, also adopted twin Lafayette, who he's started to grow closer to who is dating Hercules Mullign, who James is friends with because they share some design classes. It's a complicated tree of friendship, but the point is that they see each other. And even though they aren't close anymore, James still cares about him. Of course he does. And he knows all of Thomas' habits. They're hard to forget.

He puts Red Bull in his coffee in the mornings. His favorite pizza topping is pineapple. He is a better horseback rider than he cared to admit. He has a soft spot for cats and secretly has two in his dorm that he's trained to use the toilet instead of a little box. He likes to not wear pants when he's alone in his dorm. He gets awful migraines, headaches so bad he can't move from his bed for hours and hours. He crams all of his hair into this impossible silver beanie whenever he's sad.

James - who is in a much better place now - still knows these things because he's a good friend, and maybe because he's falling in love again, if he ever fell out of it.

It's his first day back from summer vacation when James sees the silver beanie again. He almost doesn't recognize Thomas at first, partially because he isn't supposed to be back for another three days but mostly because of his posture. His shoulders are slumped as he shuffles through the mess hall line. He's not wearing shoes, just socks, and his hair is missing, stuffed inside the hat. James frowns as he sees the figure continue shuffling along from his place at a table in the corner. He can see the red rimmed eyes even from here. And seeing Thomas like that... It still breaks his heart. Before he can get up and go speak to him, he shuffles away, clutching nothing but an apple. This confuses him further because Thomas has an unhealthy obsession with breakfast foods. He never misses a chance to eat them.

James finishes his own meal very quickly, treading the familiar path to Thomas' dorm. Something is wrong. He knows something is wrong. He's not stupid. Before he knows it, his hand hovers over the door. He hesitates, though, before he knocks. Is this a little stalkerish? They weren't dating anymore, after all. James consoles himself saying he's a friend. A concerned friend.

He knocks.

There is a worrying noise from inside, the sound of Thomas quickly stifling a sob. "What'd you want?" he mumbles. James paused before he speaks. "Are you okay?" he asks, and he knows the answer he'll get. "Yes," Thomas says. James is right again. "Are you wearing pants?" he asks. Thomas pauses for a beat before he speaks again. "Yeah," he says, and James shakes his head. "Can I come in?" he asks gently. Thomas doesn't answer for a whirl. "No," he finally says. James frowns. Thomas usually lets him in without much prompting... "Why not?" he asks. If Thomas really doesn't want to talk, though, James won't press. He'll leave. But he is concerned. "Cause I'm not wearin' pants," Thomas says.

James rolls his eyes a little. "Nothing I haven't seen," he says. "Can I come in?"

There is shifting and a couch squeaking and a TV being muted before there's a click and the door swings open.

It's very obvious Thomas has been crying. His cheeks are still wet. He's wearing his sad hat and no pants, like James suspected. The shorter man enters the room and closes the door behind him. "What's wrong?" he asks. "I saw you in the sad hat down st the mess hall. And you aren't supposed to be back for another few days." Thomas shrugs. "Nothin'," he says. "Not sad, just..." He wipes at his eyes. "Needed something to ou my hair in."

James sighs and leads him over to the couch. He sits him down and takes his hands, looking into his eyes. "Thomas," he says. "I know you. I know when you're upset. What happened? And don't tell me it isn't nothing." Thomas swallows hard, his eyes down, before he speaks. "My parents," he says softly. "They... They wouldn't stop calling me Theresa. They wouldn't stop, Jemmy, they wouldn't stop! I'm not Theresa, I'm Thomas. I'm Thomas. I had to come back early because I couldn't take it. I couldn't. I'm... I'm Thomas, Jemmy. Thomas. And they don't believe me. They don't believe me!" His breathing catches in his throats and he lets out a choked sob.

James squeezes his hands gently. "I know, sugar," he says softly. "I know. Come on. Come here." He pulls Thomas close, and his ex-boyfriend buries his head in his shoulder and sobs. "It's okay, Thomas," he whispers, rocking him gently. "Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. It's okay, Thomas." This had worked when they were dating. Usually the repetition of his name helps. It works wonders, truly. "Thomas," James whispers again. "Thomas. Thomas. You're my Thomas. My beautiful Thomas."

Thomas doesn't stop crying for awhile. Eventually he cries himself out and James' shirt is soaked with tears. "Sorry," he mumbles, his voice muffled. "Hurts... Just wanna be Thomas." James nodded. "I know, sweetheart," he says. "I know. You are Thomas. You're a wonderful Thomas." Thomas finally lifts his head, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "Sorry," he says again. "I think I just needed to hear someone call me my actual name." He sniffles again.

"Do you want to watch movies?" James asks. "We can watch movies and then go to the all-day breakfast buffet for lunch." Thomas' face splits into a smile and James smiles, too. Thomas reaches up and pulls off the sad hat. James doesn't see it for awhile.

He does see it again, roughly 7 years (6 of that spent dating) later. James frowns. It's their anniversary. Thomas should be happy. But he's wearing the hat. "Darling," he says. "What's wrong? Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Thomas grins, whipping the hat off. "Sike," he says, and he drops down on one knee.


End file.
